| | Current Music: | What Difference Does It Make?, The Smiths | | Subject: | Warrant Death | | Time: | 09:32 pm | | Current Mood: | Humane |
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| All through the election I have been trying to offer voters a 'real' alternative to choose instead of the usual suspects. Not that I stood as a candidate or anything. I just felt that it would be a good time to advertise my services, as I knew there would be people out there who have lost the will to live in such a harsh and undemocratic society, at least I could offer them a choice! At least I could offer them hope! But alas, as some of you with a proper education may already know, the Labour party has managed to secure yet another term in government.
I have therefore decided to take matters into my own hands and to prove that one man can make quite a difference to this world! Take Gavrilo Princep for example, a well executed plan of action left him responsible for the lives of millions. And so in honour of this great man, I've started a petition to be sent straight to the United Nations. I'd be very grateful if you sign it, as it would save me having to issue six billion death warrants and I don't have that much photocopying credit.
Here's the link to my historic document:
http://www.petitiononline.com/Gavrilo/petition.html
So sign today and take your fate into your own hands! | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | I Don't Owe You Anything, The Smiths | | Subject: | Pennies From Hell | | Time: | 01:49 pm | | Current Mood: | Ethereal |
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| Dear readers,
I must apologise for the prolonged delay in writing my memoirs, as throughout the past year or so I've been hounded by several mediums and psychic purveyors of spiritual apparitions. Apparently they had been asked by the majority of my previous clients to obtain a refund for my services as they weren't too pleased with the afterlife that they had all ended up in. Naturally I managed to avoid all blame for their circumstances as I had always managed to include a non committal clause in small print when carrying out any soul damnationatory, sin based activity towards my clients.
Not only that, but I didn't actually issue any kind of receipt upon the service being rendered, and I also didn't include any lifetime warranty as it would have been utterly pointless.
Still, I hope you've all had a nice year and not suffered too much death related bereavement (Paid for or not...)
P.S. Sorry for not being able to supply any more of my Foeby range this year for Valentines Day. Though I am in the process of setting up a new kind of Valentines Day (Lamentines Day!) where you can express your love (physical or otherwise) for those who've left their mortal coil. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now, The Smiths | | Subject: | Cocoa Yolk | | Time: | 07:28 pm | | Current Mood: | Ecumenical |
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| I always like to reflect upon the life of Jesus whenever Easter rears its cocoa induced ovary ways. I often think to myself what a boon to my business it would be if someone like Jesus were to require my expertise in the art of life termination. I mean, I could just keep disposing of his earthly ways and he could just keep coming back for more. That is why I have always treated Buddhists with the utmost respect when catering for their morbid whims, this is because they make such loyal customers with each passing reincarnation and can also give a good reference to others whilst passing through the mortal realm.
And so I’ve always held the strict policy of embracing patrons from all faiths. Only this way have I gained vital knowledge of how different customs and traditions are upheld throughout the World and I firmly believe that through the use of my services that ignorance and intolerance can be wiped out completely from those of you who are too narrow minded to get along with each other.
Plus it can leave you free of burdensome thought and replace it with inner-peace, which is basically what most religions offer you anyway. Though I assume that my ‘religious’ methods would be far more effective… | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Meat Is Murder, The Smiths | | Subject: | Die-tary Concerns | | Time: | 06:40 pm | | Current Mood: | Satiated |
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| Sorry that I’ve been away for so long. It’s just that I’ve been trying to create my own diet regime to rival that of Dr Aitkin’s. Not that it would leave you feeling healthy mind, in fact it probably will leave you without any feeling whatsoever. I did think that just a plate of around twenty or so paracetamols a day would do the trick, but I’ve been advised by my financial assistants to come up with some more variation in order to bleed the vain dry of all their hard earned money.
So I came up with some more nutritious delights in order for you to try out on your pampered palates. This includes my nausiashake which is a blend of fresh vomit distilled into a mixture of hydrochloric acid and topped with a sprig of mint to leave your breath fresh.
Also, my patented recipe (Passed down through generations of Pauly GP’s) of various human organs (All 100% organically donated from lepers to medical research) arranged in an aesthetically pleasing humanoid shape. The side toping of skin peelings really help to make this meal feel like you’re eating away at a part of yourself (Hence the expression, ‘You are what you eat’).
I just hope that everyone can benefit from this new diet, especially those with more money than sense. Still, if you are poor, you could always just do what they do in most ‘Third World Countries’ (Like Canada) and just starve yourself into losing those pounds. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, The Smiths | | Subject: | Fatal Foebys | | Time: | 02:06 pm | | Current Mood: | Terminally loveless |
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| My work load does get very busy this time of year. What with dissatisfied lovers wanting the demise of their respective partners. Not to mention the amount of terminations that I have to get through with unwanted pregnancies. That is why I've decided to set up business by selling the aborted foetuses as a romantic gift for a loved one. I've even trained up the foetuses to act like some kind of cute furby toy (Foebys) that can sprout various messages of love and adoration. The only problem is, is that they tend to be flammable, so keep them away from the kiddies.
As for me, I used to have a loved one. We would spend time together desecrating grave sides, visiting the morgue for a quick snack, even holding 'bring and buy' sales for the local lepers (We got the body parts from former patients). Though that all sadly came to an end when I found out that she had caught some necrophilia induced STD from one of my patients. I could never forgive the betrayal, and so, she now rests along side the very corpse which gave her the disease, the corpse of a well endowed phallus used in the production of 'life like' dildos...
I hope that you all have a romantic valentines day and consider the advantages of my special offer on the lovers termination package. Where both your hearts will merge to become one large, deformed heart. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Queen Is Dead, The Smiths | | Subject: | Deadly Disney | | Time: | 07:58 pm | | Current Mood: | Animated |
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| My work seems to be of some interest and speculation at the moment. Recently I have been asked to write an article for cosmopolitan magazine, reporting on the advantages of euthanasia for the modern gold digger on the go. I, myself, never question the ethical reasonings behind such an individual who loves their old oil tycoon, aging monarch e.t.c. so much that they want the best for them. As long as both the caring wife and or sweet heart and I get the money that we rightfully deserve.
Even Disney have asked me for advice in order to make a film based on Euthanasia. Though I thought that Bambi already covered the whole 'Death' issue well enough. This apparently is not the case. They want to focus upon this lemming who is torn between the dilemma of watching its parents take the plunge (over a big cliff) or killing them itself.
Tim Rice shall be collaborating with Elton John in order to create a moving score to accompany the film. With songs which include 'Can you feel the life fading away from you, tonight?' and 'The never-ending circle of life'. I think the film is going to be called 'Lamenting Lemmings' or 'Sleeping Beastie', it's either one or the other... | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Asleep, The Smiths | | Subject: | Creme De La Cremated | | Time: | 07:04 pm | | Current Mood: | Peacefully intact |
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| I'm often asked by my clients (before they draw their terminal breath) how exactly I'm going to dispose of their body. Well, I don't usually add this feature to the whole euthanasia package, though I do take care of 'burial' arrangements out of sheer terror of leaving any evidence behind for those oppressive law figures who don't appreciate my work.
My most favoured technique of ensuring that your body is taken care of in the most respectful way, is by coating the remains in various picnic assortments and then letting a whole nest of ants carry the body away to be devoured back in to nature. This may seem a little outdated to all you 'new age' people out there, what with turning your loved one into some kind of crystal. Though, I do offer some memento of their passing, this is usually a large outstanding debt for my services (Or even a tampered will).
I am open to your suggestions of other ways too help my clients bodies remain intact for the afterlife. After all, your burial wishes should always be adhered too... | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | This Night Has Opened My Eyes, The Smiths | | Subject: | Euth-full Corpses | | Time: | 07:32 pm | | Current Mood: | Aimed to please... |
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| Welcome everyone, to my Euthanasia Experience!
If you're looking to 'go in peace', then you can reply to this message and I'll get back to you. (I may not be able to help all of you, so I suggest you help yourselves if I'm busy. Though, I will be posting regular lists of termination techniques for you to try out...)
I thought I'd share with you (the general public, and therefore, prospective clients) my various 'life changing' experiences. This way you can hopefully all learn to enjoy life and consider the perfect death in which to end upon. I assure you that no pain shall be felt once the process has been completed. (Though you're remains shall be used to help third world countries rejuvenate their pastoral economy. If you're one of the lucky corpses, then you shall be sent to my cannibalistic friends I met whilst taking a gap year in order to study the intricacies of fatalities...)
I hope that you can check my journal regularly. Who knows, you could even find out about old friends who have chosen my cheap, effective services... | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
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pauly_gp's journal